Monday, May 24, 2010

Ever feel like you have failed?

Oh boy have I had a day and a half-feels more like 3 days rolled into one and without boring you all to death about the internal struggles I have been dealing with over the last few weeks with my job, home schooling or not, our church, Brandon and his surgery, lots of things, my body, mind, and soul are feeling very overwhelmed lately.

Since we moved to TX in 2006 Alyssa has struggled in school, we had her tested and they found nothing but that she has short term memory issues that cause her to have a wide spectrum in her grades and learning.  It doesn't seem like a big deal and with a little modification (like testing in the library and things like that she has done ok until this year-5th grade has been so hard.)
So that I don't drag this out to be more that you ever cared to know-we had her tested again recently and they really found nothing new-she just has memory issues that affect everything she learns and which make her on a little slower (than most 11 year old girls her age) learn-she is learning on the same curve just not up to their standards.  I cried during the meeting I have cried all afternoon since the meeting and I am crying as I write this.  It is frustrating because no one seems to be able to tell us how to help her except that she needs to be told over and over until she gets something how to do it, she needs lots of one on one time and smaller class room since-all things they can't do at school.  So, we are pulling her out for next year and we will be home schooling her-I am scared to death-what if I mess her worse than she already is-what if I reach a point where I can't teach her-all those sort of questions are running through my head.

I feel like as a mom that I have failed-maybe we should have done this sooner-is there something I could have done different when she was little-did something happen to her at some point that we didn't know (a fall on her head or something?)  All things we don't have answers for and may never have answers for.  All things I want to fix-lots of "what if questions" about her future and what we will do to help her get through school.  I want to fix it-I want to make her by the world's standards "perfect."  I feel terrible as a mom even admitting that because this is who God made her to be-she is "perfect" in His eyes and I love her and she is "perfect" in our eyes too-just not the world's eyes-the world she has to live in and survive in and be a part of.  Please pray for my sweet Alyssa-that we would be able to help her catch up in her schooling-that she would come to know her self worth as a child of God when we are home together next  year and that I would love her and accept whatever God has in store for her precious, kind, gentle heart.

This leads me into we are then knowing that I have to quit my job-6 mouths to feed and cloth and put a house over our heads and my husband teaching a private college and not making a ton of money-quitting my job is scary.  Other things have changed there too though like for the last two years it was ok for me to take Analeigh with me, now they have decided not so much anymore and I will not put her in daycare not only working part time would it be silly because it would take my whole pay check but I don't want someone else raising her so quitting my job had been a discussion for few weeks now and after today it is evident that is what I must do.

There are also some things at our church which are causing us to take a closer look and to pray about going elsewhere-a big step and a big decision for our whole family.

Ok, I am done venting-if you are still reading I am sorry that this has been such a bummer of a post.  My heart is heavy and sometimes it helps me to write it all out and get over it!  I know my God is faithful-He has my whole life showed me His faithfulness and I am so blessed-these last few years as a family we have been through a lot and God has shown His grace, mercy and faithfulness time after time.   My little human heart is just having a hard time laying it all down at His feet and walking away.
Thank you for your prayers.  Once again we need them and I am so thankful to those of you who come alone side us and offer them up on our behalf.

On this pathway-seeking my purpose-
Jill

7 comments:

Brianna said...

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I know sometimes it's hard to see our kids go through things. I'm sure you will do great home schooling her. It's not always comfortable to do what you know God wants us to do cause we don't see his plan. Just keep your eyes on him going through these trials. That is the best lesson you will ever be able to teach your children.

I will be praying for you!!

Janet said...

My heart is breaking for you as you go through these trials.

All children learn at different times. Each one of mine excelled in Math but had problems in reading. I used to think it was something that I had did. All these years later all three of my children are well educated and successful in my life. The most important thing to me though is their walk with the Lord.

I will be praying for you and your family. You are not alone.

Blessings & Hugs
Janet Cowan

Barbie said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a mama, my heart hurts for yours. I am sure you will do a fine job with the home schooling. Give yourself some credit and try to not worry about the "what ifs". Let God be your guide. He will give you strength. I will be praying for wisdom for the church situation. That is hard. I know how much we love our church family and I would be devastated if I had to leave. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

cooperkelly4 said...

Oh Jillllll! Take a deep breath....
you are the exact Mommy for your daughter, with her unique personality and gifts, and with YOUR unique gifts and qualities. We had always decided to homeschool, but it was a learning curve trying to figure out our kids learning styles. I am sure that the Lord will direct you on this new adventure. I am praying for you!Kelly

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

Hey my 3rd son is applying to Hardin Simmons...so we might be coming to Abilene some. He is in his Junior Year, just finished all his basics at Jr College...a cheaper route for us.

Here is my email...please feel free to email me....I will be honest, that is how I am, and will not paint an idealistic picture of home schooling or of living on one income...we have struggled in both, but God is faithful to our obedience.

Hugs,
Janette
bjwright8@verizon.net

Kristin said...

Jill, you know we'll be praying! We've had educational issues with all three children, and it's just not easy! Kudos to you for taking the initiative to help her. The initial decision to homeschool is often harder than homeschooling itself!

Dogmom Diva said...

Hi Jill, oh you are having a tough time now but don't beat yourself up! All we can do is the best we can do sweetie!
I am the mom of grown sons I can tell you you WILL get through this, each child is different..and these things happen for a reason. You are meant to be home with your babies..take care..
Barb