Thursday, October 20, 2011

In the Season of Waiting

Waiting certainly plays an enormous role in the unfolding story of God's relationship to man.  It is God's oft-repeated way of teaching us that His power is real and that He can answer our prayers without interference and manipulation from us.

But we have such trouble getting our will, our time schedules out of the way.  Much of the time we act like a child who brings a broken toy to his father to be mended.  The father gladly takes the toy and begins to work.  Then after a while, childlike impatience takes over.  Why is it taking so long?

The child stands by, getting his hands in the father's way, offering a lot of meaningless advice and some rather silly criticism.  Finally in desperation, he snatches the toy from the father's hands and walks off with it, saying rather bitterly that he hadn't really thought his father could fix it anyway.

Perhaps, it isn't even "his will" to mend toys.

On the other hand, whenever we are trustful enough to leave our "broken toy" with the Father, not only do we eventually get it back gloriously restored, but we are also handed a surprising plus.  We find ourselves what the saints and mystics affirm, that during the dark waiting period when self-effort had ceased, a spurt of astonishing spiritual growth took place in us.  Afterwards, we have qualities like more patience, more love for the Lord and those around us, more ability to hear His voice, greater willingness to obey.

( Catherine Marshall-Adventures in Prayer)

We had another appointment for Brandon at Cook's Children's Hospital last Wednesday, the 12th, to check on the results of the procedure he had done the end of July.  We really had a good appointment over all, she does think that there is the start of some bone growth in the area where the new cyst had come back.  Praise God!  

The down side was that his good leg is now growing faster than the bad leg (some of it due to the cysts being so near the growth plate and some due to the fact he still has the rods and screws in there) it is a fraction longer by looking at it but the Dr. sent us on to the hospital that day to have a special scan done on his wrists and legs.  It takes an more accurate measurement and can tell us just how much they are off and it can somehow tell from his wrists about how big they think he will get.  
Sitting there she explained how we can do this scan and then we will have a base line to compare it to so in a year or two we can do another and see the difference and in another two years do another and in another two years yet another and if things are getting too different we will have to look into slowing the growth in the good leg. 

I knew that this was not going to be something that we would be done with in a year or two, he would be "fixed up" and be able to be a normal little boy, but hearing her say those words, in two years and another two years, and another two years, I almost broke down in the office crying-the reality of this situation and what it meant for his childhood hit me like a ton of bricks

I had to hold it together and just pray in my head while she was speaking "Lord, I don't know if I can do this-please make me strong, please help me to trust you with this Lord, help me to trust your plan, your will for Brandon's life, please help me I can't do this alone."  My baby will probably never get to play any sports, may walk with a limp, with special shoes to make one leg longer than the other, may have hip replacement surgery at some point.  We really don't know at this point.  I have really struggled with this for a week now, trying to give it over, but in reality holding on to it, leaving at the throne every time I prayed only to turn around and pick it up and walk away again.  

Today during my devotional time and bible reading, I read the lesson above and it struck me, "Jill, will you trust me with this "broken toy" let me "fix" it, I created it to begin with you know, will you allow me to reveal myself to you, Brandon, the Dr.s, and every one else I have planned to touch through this?  Or will you pick it up and walk away, struggling daily, worried of what "might be" what "could happen" or what "won't be" because you are not trusting MY WILL?"

While waiting, I am going to praise God for the solution I know He has for Brandon's situation-for the growth for both of us through this, for the lives He will touch, praying that I am open and ready to be used where ever and when ever He wants me, for strength to trust His will for my sweet Brandon's life. Today, I am choosing to focus on God's love and care for us instead of the problem.

Thank you for your prayers.  I know that they held me up during our visit-Mike could not go again this time and so those visit are always harder on me because I have to take in all the information alone and process it all and remember it all to come home and tell him all that happened.  It is always an emotionally draining day for me.  I appreciate your love and prayers, they hold me together and make me ever thankful for the body of Christ.

Today I am choosing to believe that the One who turned a stick into a scepter,  a pebble into a missile and saliva and mud into a balm for the blind, is the same One that is in control of my Brandon's hip and leg and He will "fix" the "broken toy" in His time and in His way.

Love you all~Thankful for each of you!

On This Pathway



Kristin said...

They did the scan of Avery's wrists after his transplant. For him it was to determine "bone age" and how much time he had left to grow. We go back every few months because he has to take a growth hormone to reach a more normal height. I'm glad at least the scan is painless. I know this all feels like a weight around your heart. I'm praying for you often.

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

Dearest Jill...again, I would have come, please let me know next time and I will meet you there, even if all I do is stay outside and pray and then give you a hug.

I am so sorry...and yet I stand with you in your prayers. Each time I read your post on him my mind goes through all the different things with my own children...and I have to bow and says thanks for God's faithfulness each time. I still don't understand and even some things now are really hard...but again we release and try to go on with life.

I know God has a wonderful support system around you...but do know that you are in my prayers and I am hugging you in my heart!

His ways are truly higher than ours.

susanwalkergirl said...

Dearest Jill,

Oh what courage you have in the face of the unknown, but an unknown entrusted to our heavenly Father. This side of heaven is where your faith counts most. Praying that the Father's healing hand will rest upon Brandon and strengthen your family.